Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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