At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
