3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
