I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
