my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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