Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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