i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
