Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
