Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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