my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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