The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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