They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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