I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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