I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
