i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have fence marks all over my body
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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