Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
