there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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