I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
