Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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