Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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