Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
