who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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