I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
