I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
