YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
