who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
