I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
