He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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