I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
