you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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