Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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