It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
