; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
