Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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