I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
