There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
