Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
