The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
