My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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