yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
