The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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