Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
