my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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