I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
