my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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