She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
