He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
