I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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