Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba