I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?