Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea