There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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