The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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