explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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