im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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