I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
