i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't turn off my feet"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
