Pants 0. Shit 1.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
