I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
